things i already knew

today is one of those days that caught me off guard.

i hate those kind of days.

things were going along swimmingly- unpacking was going along as well as it could, i was able to get my plants re-potted (hopefully they’ll come back), we had dinner, went grocery shopping, and on the way home i was thinking about the house warming party that was going to be this weekend. before i knew it i was thinking about how excited i was to show my dad how much i had gotten done and how much better this house is than any of the others he worried about us being in. i was so excited to show him how close it is to everything, the big yard, all the painting that he would be so proud of.

then it hit. he won’t be coming to the house warming.

he’s gone.

i can’t show him anything anymore. i can’t show him our house. i can’t show him the painting. he’s really gone.

and i know that. i mean there wouldn’t even be a house if he wasn’t gone. it’s just one of those moments that catches you and you don’t even know it’s coming. you just think like you always do because you haven’t learned to think differently yet. it’s just how things would go- i would move, he would come see it, worry about me, be a protective dad. and that’s gone now.

and i guess it’s just hitting really hard because i need someone right now. i need some help getting things done. i need someone protecting me and- you know- someone to help move the heavy furniture. someone to hang the ceiling fans. someone to make the contractors return calls and finish the work. because i’m not getting it done. and i don’t know how to get it done. and that’s the most frustrating thing. i HATE feeling weak. i hate being stuck depending on others. i hate feeling like the stupid girl.

so. you know. that was my day.