so. i’ve been going to therapy since…well…forever. i was forced to go as a teenager because i think it was easier to do that than actually, you know, talk about things at home. plus, if they could pin all the problems on me and send me to therapy, then they wouldn’t have something wrong with them…and by them i mean my mother. HEY LOOK: A SPADE. and i called it a spade…so…moving on.
anytwaddle. i went to therapy as a teen, then as a single mom until my therapist kicked me out of therapy and asked me to be a motivational speaker because not only was there nothing “wrong” with me, i had a pretty damn good grip on what was going on in my life and she thought i would be able to help others. so. yeah.
off and on over the years i’ve gone back to therapy to check in, make sure i’m not off in right field when big things have happened, basically just a routine mental check up if you will. i still go to the same gal from when i was a teen, and she’s still telling me the same thing now as then: i have a pretty damn good grip on things and a good ability to work it out for myself and find my own appropriate solutions. i have yet to be told i’m way off base or need to rethink anything, so that’s something. at least i know that my crazy is manageable and i’m doing a moderately good job at said management.
so. i was in therapy yesterday and we made it through almost the whole hour talking about random things- how i’m looking forward to leaving work, how i’m less scared of the change now than when i first decided to jump. we talked about books and what i want my writing to be like. we talked about all sorts of things, then, at the end of the hour she said: i notice you haven’t mentioned your dad at all today.
and i promptly started crying. that moderately good job of managing things? it doesn’t extend to this arena. i’ve been functioning. the tears have been minimal. i’ve been going along at a pretty good pace. but it’s only because i’m NOT doing anything. i’m not letting myself think about it. i haven’t let myself watch the memorial dvd. i haven’t gone through pictures. i haven’t been around other people that remember him to talk about things. i haven’t ANYTHING lately. i’ve been avoiding it. because the instant i face it, i fall apart.
i have a memorial of sorts set up at my house for my dad and my brother. it’s all the pieces of them i have left- pictures, my dad’s badge and service hat, the flag i was presented, a letter from the governor, my brother’s wire sculpture- small pieces of them. it doesn’t bother me having that memorial. it doesn’t bother me to look at their things. it’s easy to think of my dad, the cop being gone. it’s easy to look at their things as just things. it’s not easy to look at pieces of who they were. it’s not easy to think of MY DAD, my kids grandfather, half of where i came from being gone. it’s not easy thinking about my creative brother that i was just getting to know being gone. hell, even typing that is making me tear up, let alone spending any amount of time dwelling on it.
i know that i’ve stopped my healing process. i know that i won’t get anywhere until i make myself think about those things. until i make myself stop and face the reality.
THEY’RE NOT COMING BACK. they’re really gone forever. i can’t call them. i won’t see them at the next family event. my dad won’t be there for my kids birthdays ever again. there won’t be any more dinners at spaghetti factory. there won’t be any more…
AND STOP. i’m still sitting at my desk at work, i can’t go there any further. you get the idea though.
but i recognize this. i know that i’ve stopped my healing. i know that there will be a better time to pick it back up and work through it. hell, that’s what the whole year coming up can be for.
and we talked about that yesterday at my therapy. how, in a way, it’s scary for me to look at the next year and admit that it will be something i have to be careful about. that i will experience this process and i have to be prepared to not get stuck in it. i need to have a plan on how to keep moving forward through the hard times. it will help that i have my kids to keep me busy. i’ll have to get up and take them to school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. i can’t sit on my couch for days at a time staring at the walls. so. that is a good thing. but it’s also a scary thing that i may keep doing what i’m doing now- being busy and not letting myself think and focus and process and heal.
it will be a fine line moving forward. i’m still excited with moving forward. i’m frustrated that i’m still stuck and haven’t been able to start the journey yet, but i know it’s within reach. i’m more confident now taking this leap. i’m moving past the worry and into the curious. i want to see what will happen. i want to know where this year will take me. i want to get out there and really just be free. i know it will have hard times. i know there will be days of tears and hurt and healing. but i’m ready for it. so. you know…just waiting for that green light…i’m getting ready to spray paint the damn light if it doesn’t change soon…
