goals:

looking forward at having a FULL YEAR at my disposal, it may be best to set some goals for myself to help prevent getting lost or letting the time slip by without fully serving it's purpose.

so. here are a few of my goals to start:

*accompany each child on a field trip before school is out for summer

*spend one day (or part of a day) a week in each classroom

*finish reading all books currently in my posession

*write one full adult novel

*write two full children's novels

*create and stick to a budget

*learn to make home cooked meals

*find FIVE ways to cut my budget by changing to "green" (not necessarily green, but less commercial/consumer oriented) products or making my own products.

*sell etched glass

*sell wire sculpture

*buy AND USE season tickets to silverwood and river front park

*go camping

so. that's a start. i'm sure i'll be adding more to it. feel free to throw your suggestions into the pot!

due consideration

it's slightly frustrating (ok- that's a lie. it drives me fucking insane) how people are checking with me daily to see if i'm still planning on leaving work to start my life. any given day i hear, no less than 5 times:

"have you changed your mind yet?"

NO. I HAVEN'T CHANGED MY FUCKING MIND. i didn't decide this lightly people. i didn't pull this out of my ass on a particularly pmssy day. i didn't just jump off the edge of this huge fucking cliff without thinking about it for days, considering EVERY FUCKING ANGLE, weighing the good, the bad, the ugly about this time.

YES, i know that the job market is terrible and very qualified people are having a hard time finding work. i also know that a year is a fuck long time in this economy and things will be very different when i look at getting back into things. i also believe with my whole heart that when i'm meant to find the next step or the next place i need to belong, i will find it. does that seem a touch arrogant? perhaps. but it's happened all the way along so far, so i choose to believe it will again.

YES, i know that i will probably get bored. and i'm prepared for that. i have a MOUNTAIN of books i want to have time to read. a head full of ideas for books i want to write. i have kids in school that need my help. i have glass projects, wire projects, baking projects, cooking projects, friends with small businesses that need help, summer vacation to plan, spring break to plan. I HAVE A LIFE TO START.

YES, i realize this means i won't have money coming in for a full year. I'M PREPARED FOR THAT. duh. kinda know that i still have to pay rent and buy food and whatnot. thanks for reminding me anyway. YES, i know that life takes money. YES, i am prepared for that.

i understand how rare it is to not only have a workplace that is excellent to work at but also very reluctant to let me go. i do love the people i work with. the job itself i outgrew a few years ago, but it's still a good job. i get that. i get that it's flattering that they keep asking me to stay. i get that it's a leap to leave a good, secure, insured job. i get it all people. i've thought about it. i've considered it. i've weighed, measured and judged. NOTHING in my life is done without a great deal of consideration. i'm nothing if not a perpetual over thinker.

I'M LEAVING. i'm starting this journey. i'm going. hell or high water, i'm beginning this adventure. so PLEASE, stop being surprised, and stop asking me every day if i've changed my mind. i haven't and i won't and that's all i have to say about that.

what the fuck?

so. you may be wondering what the fuck "the year of the meatball" is.

let me tell you: this is the year i learn how to make a meatball.

what? is that all it is? well...yes and no. see...there's a story...

for those of you who are new, i'll do a quick recap: 2009 and 2010 suck. enough? no? well then:

2009 started off a little rough. a darling friend passed away in april from a heart attack at the age of 37. i had just spoken with him the week before and we had planned on doing lunch as soon as he got back to town (he was in arizona at the time). we never made it to that lunch.

in july my son's step-mother and brand new baby boy passed away during child birth. i can't even begin to say how devastating that was on so many different levels. you can check my other blog if you're curious to know more.

in august my younger brother was in a horrific bike accident and ended up in neurosurgery and a medically induced coma and we came horribly close to losing him. unfortunately, a few months later (october) we did lose him, only to suicide instead of an accident.

i thought 2009 was bad...i had no idea what 2010 had in store. in august this year, just when it felt the world was righting itself and things were looking up, the universe threw in a major sucker punch: my father and step-mother and one other state trooper were all taken much too early from this life in a massive house fire in the early morning hours of august 16th.

god. that never gets easier to type.

SO. in the course of a year i've lost friends, loved ones, and nearly all of my family.

but- what the fuck does all this have to do with meatballs?

i'm quitting my job as of 12/31/2010.

what the fuck does THAT have to do with meatballs?

i'm not going to wait any more. i'm not going to wait to some day spend time with my kids. i'm not going to wait to some day try writing. i'm not going to wait to some day have time to see what i want to be when i grow up. i'm not going to work for retirement. i'm not going to keep putting things off. i'm going to do it NOW. i'm going to take a year off and learn how to be a mom. i'm going to spend time in classrooms before it's embarrassing to have me around. i'm going to spend time with my kids besides rushing to school, hurrying to get dinner ready, hurrying to bed. i'm going to really try writing. i'm going to really try my art work. i'm going to learn how to make real meals that aren't out of a box.

i'm going to learn how to make meatballs.

my dad had a "secret family recipe" for spaghetti and meatballs. i made it maybe twice ever with him. hell or high water this year i'm going to remember that recipe and learn how to make meatballs.

i talked to a friend at work about this. she told me that i was allowed to leave work on two conditions: #1 that we have lunch several times throughout the year, and #2 that i document the journey. so. here i am. documenting. i have no idea what to expect from this year. i have no idea where it will lead or what will come of it. but i'll share the whole journey here. every happy, grim, tempestuous, calm, exciting, dull moment. 

so here begins: the year of the meatball.

**disclaimer**

if you've read my stuff before, you should be used to me. if you're new, there's a few things you need to know...consider yourself warned:

#1 i don't like punctuation. deal with it. well, not so much punctuation as the shift key. everything will be lower case. yes, i know it's not "proper" but it's they way i like to type. also, this way if you see something in caps then you know i mean it...

#2 i've been known to curse a little in my blogs. ok. more than a little. FINE. i've been compared to kevin smith in my ability to drop the f-bomb in every way, shape, and description as needed. it happens. some days i'm pissed off and being polite and beeping myself out just doesn't cut it. if you don't like it, piss off. it's how i write. no, i'm not undereducated. yes, i know there are probably other words that could get the same point across. but i write the way i write. NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO READ THIS. so deal with it or, as i said before, piss off.

#3 everything i write is my own opinion, my own thought, it's me on paper (well, not really on paper now...is it. it's me in text and code and special computer thingys i don't understand). i don't expect you to agree with me all of the time, hell, you don' t have to agree with me any of the time. i don't care. it's my blog. it's my voice. i'm not associated with anyone, i'm not speaking for anyone, it's just me. if i steal a thought or a quote from someone, i'll let you know, other wise it's all me, all the time.

#4 i'm random. i'm odd. i'm long-winded. i have a dark sense of humor. occasionally i'll be chipper. sometimes i'll be sappy. most of the time i'll be snarky. i write what i think and what i feel. sometimes i'll cross the information border. sometimes you'll wish there was an undo button for what you just read. some days you may feel the need to soak your brain (and eyes) in a bucket of bleach when you're done (okay, maybe not THAT bad).

welcome to my blog. you've been warned.