father's day

so. this will be emo. and whiny. but here i go anyway.

i fucking HATE father's day. i know it's silly to waste such a strong emotion on a commercial, hallmark "holiday" but there you have it.

I FUCKING HATE FATHER'S DAY.

i have for years. this year it's even worse.

there's nothing like shitty commercials and sales promotions and crap all over the place to remind me how much i've completely and totally fucked up my life.

every year it rolls around and every year i'm reminded of how both my kids dads aren't around. how i've failed at finding a good solid replacement for them. and YES, i realize that i've been good about not just settling for any guy or parading an endless string of daddy wanna be's through the spawns' lives. i know that i've been smart about not just daddy shopping to fill a hole. but at the same time, i haven't allowed myself to seriously consider anyone long term. and that's not fair to the spawns.

it's a catch 22 really: i present myself as this bitch who doesn't want anyone around who can't stand to let a guy stay long enough to need a toothbrush.  but really i know that my kids need a steady GOOD role model, i need someone for support on shitty days like today, and i honestly really do want to have a life partner.

i think the stickler is that i don't feel like it's ever going to happen so i play bitch and cut things off before they even start. kind of the "you can't fire me, i quit" thing. i do get attached occasionally though. or i at least have the feeling i could get attached. either way, it sucks because the actual attaching never happens.

anyway: father's day. i hate that my kids don't have their dads around. i hate that i'll never have my dad around ever again. i hate that this fucking holiday makes me have all these feeling of failure. a stupid day on the calendar.

i hate how much i miss my dad. i hate how much i think of him every. single. day. it's not getting easier, it's getting harder. every time i paint a wall at wonderland i think of him painting houses. every time i start another project i think of him waiting for me to show him how nice i can make it and that i picked the right house. every time i make a bank transfer, every time i look at my shoulder. it's constant and it hurts so much.

i hate how i haven't really allowed myself time to deal with it yet. there's too much to do. i have kids to take care of, bills to pay, a house to get ready. i don't have time to sit down and really let myself realize what happened.  i don't have time to sit down and cry and fall apart.

i quit my job in february and started this blog to track how i've gone through that time and how i've dealt with things and how i'm moving along. here is it june and there's no posts, no progress, no dealing. and i hate days like today when it all catches up with me at once and FORCES me to look at things and realize how real it is.

i don't have a father to call or take to dinner today. my oldest spawn called his dad and talked for a few minutes and that was it. my little spawn doesn't even have any memories of his father.

thanks fucking hallmark for giving us a full day to focus on that. FUCK YOU.

almost wonderland

so, what better time to write than 11:50 at night when i’m more than a little buzzed (don’t worry, had a designated driver tonight) and a whole lot emotional?

i have this HUGE list of blog topics i keep meaning to write about, obviously have been a HUGE slacker at actually getting to them. i keep promising i will, and, well, you can tell how that’s gone.

but here we are- school is almost out, summer is almost here, things are changing in my world.

things have been good. stressful, but good.

official news: the house is ALL MINE. demo is well under way, kitchen is mostly done, deck material was purchased today, home owners insurance has been purchase, a security system has been installed...am i officially a grown up now? can i bitch about property taxes and the damn kids on my lawn?

here’s a picture of what i have named “almost wonderland”

why that name? because this whole journey is so fucking surreal to me. i feel like alice through the looking glass every time i think about OWNING a house. i guess it hasn’t really sunk in because i’m still paying rent, i haven’t moved anything yet, and i  haven’t had a chance to make it HOME yet. but it’s so fucking surreal. if you had asked me a year ago if i would ever own a house i would have laughed you out of the room. hell, a year ago my gypsy blood was crazy jealous about a friend starting an across country road trip with her husband while i was stuck at the bullshit 9-5 gig. now here i am unemployed, wandering though life, OWNING a house while she’s doing the 9-5 and being the responsible one

i still can’t get over it- i OWN a house. and i’ll actually be moving into it and living there. FOREVER. not just for a year or two, until the landlord turns into an asshole, until the neighbors drive me to move...it’s MINE for as long as i want to stay. no one telling me what i can or can’t do to it...do you get that? FOREVER. no time limits. such a fucking trip to me. hell- i’m the girl that’s moved 11 times in 11 years and here i am looking at no deadline. it’s fucking terrifying. in a good way, but terrifying none the less.

it’s so strange to go into stores and look at things i’ve thought about FOREVER and make them MINE. i’ve always wanted a back yard with a hammock: DONE. i’ve always wanted a fire pit to sit around on summer nights and roast marshmallows with friends: DONE. big deck with a hot tub? DONE. patio table/chairs for playing cards and bullshitting? DONE. french doors in the living room? DONE. stainless appliances in the kitchen? DONE. whatever fucking wall color my pretty little heart can dream up? DONE. this is MY house people. i’m making it everything i’ve always wanted.

growing up we never had people over (besides the occasional *yawn* sunday dinner). we never has space to entertain (or the people interested in coming over for that matter). i was never allowed to decorate my room growing up. as an adult i’ve always been in apartments. this is MINE. this is everything i’ve always thought about- HAPPENING.

and i’m terrified as fuck.

it’s june now.  hell, it’s half way through june. that means august is just around the corner. august and i have issues and i’d be lying if i said that’s not 90% of my stress right now. i’m TERRIFIED to see what this summer brings. i’m terrified to be happy. i’m terrified to have things going well again. last year at this time, just when we were kinda starting to pull it together from the massive shock waves, when things were on the level, when i was enjoying life again, the universe dealt us another huge blow. and i’m TERRIFIED to see what happens this year. i honestly don’t have any family left to lose. sure, there’s still blood relations, but nothing compared to what i’ve lost. i have friends new and old that i’m terrified to lose. i have my spawns- i can’t even let myself thing of that. what will the universe pull on us this year? just when i was starting to be happy last year we were leveled out again. i’m terrified to let myself be happy this year and enjoy the house and enjoy summer with the spawns and ENJOY anything for fear of what may be right on it’s heels. what sucker punch is waiting in the wings?

i can’t help but think about my dad constantly right now. this is the house he bought for me. this is the life he always wanted to give me, but he’s not here to see me have it. and i LOVE that i’m able to do this, but i just can’t help but think how quickly i would trade it all...just...just to have one more dinner at spaghetti factory with him to watch him spill all down the front of his shirt. or one more thanksgiving where he sleeps through the football game but wakes up growling if you dare to change it. one more anything.

i was supposed to go to colville this last weekend for my grandmother’s memorial. i just couldn’t go. a gathering of what family is left and i hated the thought of being around any of them. what does that say when i’ve lost so much and i still loathe what i have left? what kind of person doesn’t want to see aunts and uncles and cousins and their own mother?

maybe i’m just having “one of those days”.  maybe i just need some sleep. whatever is going on, i’m having a hard time shifting to fit. i never thought i’d buy a house yet here i am with deed in hand doing renovation projects. i never thought i’d be afraid of summer, but here i am terrified as each week gets closer to august. i never thought i’d feel like such a damn island, yet here i am with no family i desire to claim, trying to piece together friends in the giant holes that have been ripped open.

i’m terrified, i’m lost, i’m extatic, i’m proud, i’m emotional, i’m impatient, i’m a little bit of everything. 

welcome to almost wonerland.

waiting on go...

so. i’ve been going to therapy since…well…forever. i was forced to go as a teenager because i think it was easier to do that than actually, you know, talk about things at home. plus, if they could pin all the problems on me and send me to therapy, then they wouldn’t have something wrong with them…and by them i mean my mother. HEY LOOK: A SPADE. and i called it a spade…so…moving on.

anytwaddle. i went to therapy as a teen, then as a single mom until my therapist kicked me out of therapy and asked me to be a motivational speaker because not only was there nothing “wrong” with me, i had a pretty damn good grip on what was going on in my life and she thought i would be able to help others. so. yeah.

off and on over the years i’ve gone back to therapy to check in, make sure i’m not off in right field when big things have happened, basically just a routine mental check up if you will. i still go to the same gal from when i was a teen, and she’s still telling me the same thing now as then: i have a pretty damn good grip on things and a good ability to work it out for myself and find my own appropriate solutions. i have yet to be told i’m way off base or need to rethink anything, so that’s something. at least i know that my crazy is manageable and i’m doing a moderately good job at said management.

so. i was in therapy yesterday and we made it through almost the whole hour talking about random things- how i’m looking forward to leaving work, how i’m less scared of the change now than when i first decided to jump. we talked about books and what i want my writing to be like. we talked about all sorts of things, then, at the end of the hour she said: i notice you haven’t mentioned your dad at all today.

and i promptly started crying. that moderately good job of managing things? it doesn’t extend to this arena. i’ve been functioning. the tears have been minimal. i’ve been going along at a pretty good pace. but it’s only because i’m NOT doing anything. i’m not letting myself think about it. i haven’t let myself watch the memorial dvd. i haven’t gone through pictures. i haven’t been around other people that remember him to talk about things. i haven’t ANYTHING lately. i’ve been avoiding it. because the instant i face it, i fall apart.

i have a memorial of sorts set up at my house for my dad and my brother. it’s all the pieces of them i have left- pictures, my dad’s badge and service hat, the flag i was presented, a letter from the governor, my brother’s wire sculpture- small pieces of them. it doesn’t bother me having that memorial. it doesn’t bother me to look at their things. it’s easy to think of my dad, the cop being gone. it’s easy to look at their things as just things. it’s not easy to look at pieces of who they were. it’s not easy to think of MY DAD, my kids grandfather, half of where i came from being gone. it’s not easy thinking about my creative brother that i was just getting to know being gone. hell, even typing that is making me tear up, let alone spending any amount of time dwelling on it.

i know that i’ve stopped my healing process. i know that i won’t get anywhere until i make myself think about those things. until i make myself stop and face the reality.

THEY’RE NOT COMING BACK. they’re really gone forever. i can’t call them. i won’t see them at the next family event. my dad won’t be there for my kids birthdays ever again. there won’t be any more dinners at spaghetti factory. there won’t be any more…

AND STOP. i’m still sitting at my desk at work, i can’t go there any further. you get the idea though.

but i recognize this. i know that i’ve stopped my healing. i know that there will be a better time to pick it back up and work through it. hell, that’s what the whole year coming up can be for.

and we talked about that yesterday at my therapy. how, in a way, it’s scary for me to look at the next year and admit that it will be something i have to be careful about. that i will experience this process and i have to be prepared to not get stuck in it. i need to have a plan on how to keep moving forward through the hard times. it will help that i have my kids to keep me busy. i’ll have to get up and take them to school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. i can’t sit on my couch for days at a time staring at the walls. so. that is a good thing. but it’s also a scary thing that i may keep doing what i’m doing now- being busy and not letting myself think and focus and process and heal.

it will be a fine line moving forward. i’m still excited with moving forward. i’m frustrated that i’m still stuck and haven’t been able to start the journey yet, but i know it’s within reach. i’m more confident now taking this leap. i’m moving past the worry and into the curious. i want to see what will happen. i want to know where this year will take me. i want to get out there and really just be free. i know it will have hard times. i know there will be days of tears and hurt and healing. but i’m ready for it. so. you know…just waiting for that green light…i’m getting ready to spray paint the damn light if it doesn’t change soon…

goals:

looking forward at having a FULL YEAR at my disposal, it may be best to set some goals for myself to help prevent getting lost or letting the time slip by without fully serving it's purpose.

so. here are a few of my goals to start:

*accompany each child on a field trip before school is out for summer

*spend one day (or part of a day) a week in each classroom

*finish reading all books currently in my posession

*write one full adult novel

*write two full children's novels

*create and stick to a budget

*learn to make home cooked meals

*find FIVE ways to cut my budget by changing to "green" (not necessarily green, but less commercial/consumer oriented) products or making my own products.

*sell etched glass

*sell wire sculpture

*buy AND USE season tickets to silverwood and river front park

*go camping

so. that's a start. i'm sure i'll be adding more to it. feel free to throw your suggestions into the pot!

due consideration

it's slightly frustrating (ok- that's a lie. it drives me fucking insane) how people are checking with me daily to see if i'm still planning on leaving work to start my life. any given day i hear, no less than 5 times:

"have you changed your mind yet?"

NO. I HAVEN'T CHANGED MY FUCKING MIND. i didn't decide this lightly people. i didn't pull this out of my ass on a particularly pmssy day. i didn't just jump off the edge of this huge fucking cliff without thinking about it for days, considering EVERY FUCKING ANGLE, weighing the good, the bad, the ugly about this time.

YES, i know that the job market is terrible and very qualified people are having a hard time finding work. i also know that a year is a fuck long time in this economy and things will be very different when i look at getting back into things. i also believe with my whole heart that when i'm meant to find the next step or the next place i need to belong, i will find it. does that seem a touch arrogant? perhaps. but it's happened all the way along so far, so i choose to believe it will again.

YES, i know that i will probably get bored. and i'm prepared for that. i have a MOUNTAIN of books i want to have time to read. a head full of ideas for books i want to write. i have kids in school that need my help. i have glass projects, wire projects, baking projects, cooking projects, friends with small businesses that need help, summer vacation to plan, spring break to plan. I HAVE A LIFE TO START.

YES, i realize this means i won't have money coming in for a full year. I'M PREPARED FOR THAT. duh. kinda know that i still have to pay rent and buy food and whatnot. thanks for reminding me anyway. YES, i know that life takes money. YES, i am prepared for that.

i understand how rare it is to not only have a workplace that is excellent to work at but also very reluctant to let me go. i do love the people i work with. the job itself i outgrew a few years ago, but it's still a good job. i get that. i get that it's flattering that they keep asking me to stay. i get that it's a leap to leave a good, secure, insured job. i get it all people. i've thought about it. i've considered it. i've weighed, measured and judged. NOTHING in my life is done without a great deal of consideration. i'm nothing if not a perpetual over thinker.

I'M LEAVING. i'm starting this journey. i'm going. hell or high water, i'm beginning this adventure. so PLEASE, stop being surprised, and stop asking me every day if i've changed my mind. i haven't and i won't and that's all i have to say about that.