things i already knew

today is one of those days that caught me off guard.

i hate those kind of days.

things were going along swimmingly- unpacking was going along as well as it could, i was able to get my plants re-potted (hopefully they’ll come back), we had dinner, went grocery shopping, and on the way home i was thinking about the house warming party that was going to be this weekend. before i knew it i was thinking about how excited i was to show my dad how much i had gotten done and how much better this house is than any of the others he worried about us being in. i was so excited to show him how close it is to everything, the big yard, all the painting that he would be so proud of.

then it hit. he won’t be coming to the house warming.

he’s gone.

i can’t show him anything anymore. i can’t show him our house. i can’t show him the painting. he’s really gone.

and i know that. i mean there wouldn’t even be a house if he wasn’t gone. it’s just one of those moments that catches you and you don’t even know it’s coming. you just think like you always do because you haven’t learned to think differently yet. it’s just how things would go- i would move, he would come see it, worry about me, be a protective dad. and that’s gone now.

and i guess it’s just hitting really hard because i need someone right now. i need some help getting things done. i need someone protecting me and- you know- someone to help move the heavy furniture. someone to hang the ceiling fans. someone to make the contractors return calls and finish the work. because i’m not getting it done. and i don’t know how to get it done. and that’s the most frustrating thing. i HATE feeling weak. i hate being stuck depending on others. i hate feeling like the stupid girl.

so. you know. that was my day.

father's day

so. this will be emo. and whiny. but here i go anyway.

i fucking HATE father's day. i know it's silly to waste such a strong emotion on a commercial, hallmark "holiday" but there you have it.

I FUCKING HATE FATHER'S DAY.

i have for years. this year it's even worse.

there's nothing like shitty commercials and sales promotions and crap all over the place to remind me how much i've completely and totally fucked up my life.

every year it rolls around and every year i'm reminded of how both my kids dads aren't around. how i've failed at finding a good solid replacement for them. and YES, i realize that i've been good about not just settling for any guy or parading an endless string of daddy wanna be's through the spawns' lives. i know that i've been smart about not just daddy shopping to fill a hole. but at the same time, i haven't allowed myself to seriously consider anyone long term. and that's not fair to the spawns.

it's a catch 22 really: i present myself as this bitch who doesn't want anyone around who can't stand to let a guy stay long enough to need a toothbrush.  but really i know that my kids need a steady GOOD role model, i need someone for support on shitty days like today, and i honestly really do want to have a life partner.

i think the stickler is that i don't feel like it's ever going to happen so i play bitch and cut things off before they even start. kind of the "you can't fire me, i quit" thing. i do get attached occasionally though. or i at least have the feeling i could get attached. either way, it sucks because the actual attaching never happens.

anyway: father's day. i hate that my kids don't have their dads around. i hate that i'll never have my dad around ever again. i hate that this fucking holiday makes me have all these feeling of failure. a stupid day on the calendar.

i hate how much i miss my dad. i hate how much i think of him every. single. day. it's not getting easier, it's getting harder. every time i paint a wall at wonderland i think of him painting houses. every time i start another project i think of him waiting for me to show him how nice i can make it and that i picked the right house. every time i make a bank transfer, every time i look at my shoulder. it's constant and it hurts so much.

i hate how i haven't really allowed myself time to deal with it yet. there's too much to do. i have kids to take care of, bills to pay, a house to get ready. i don't have time to sit down and really let myself realize what happened.  i don't have time to sit down and cry and fall apart.

i quit my job in february and started this blog to track how i've gone through that time and how i've dealt with things and how i'm moving along. here is it june and there's no posts, no progress, no dealing. and i hate days like today when it all catches up with me at once and FORCES me to look at things and realize how real it is.

i don't have a father to call or take to dinner today. my oldest spawn called his dad and talked for a few minutes and that was it. my little spawn doesn't even have any memories of his father.

thanks fucking hallmark for giving us a full day to focus on that. FUCK YOU.