staying off resentment

i'm angry. i'm more than angry. i'm angry and hurt and exhausted and a whole myriad of other emotions.

wonderland isn't going well. things are still happening but SLOWLY. every day for the last few weeks it's been mostly just my own, unskilled self working away at whatever in can find to get done. i've been installing cabinet handles, gardening, painting, cleaning. YES, it's all things that needed done, but none of it is the BIG stuff that will get us into the home.

i closed on the house may 18th. i was hoping to be moving in and having a big house warming party by now. yet here i am, not one project finished, no finish date on the horizon. last week i hired a contractor to come help and things started moving along, but he's only able to fit me in between his other jobs which means 4 hour patches here and there. YES, he's kicking ass in those 4 hours, but there's still way too many "4 hours" left for my taste.

i'm most frustrated at myself. i let myself depend on other people beyond my own skills and abilities. i knew that if things went wrong i would be up shit creek without a paddle. i have no idea how to finish installing cabinets, put a raining on a deck, re-frame a bathroom floor AND ceiling. but i did it anyway. and here i am, up shit creek, without a paddle.

i'm frustrated that it's taking so long. i'm frustrated that i didn't watch my pennies as carefully as i would have if i had known i would need to pay a contractor and an electrician and a landscaper. i'm frustrated that we're half way into summer, the summer that i was supposed to be spending with my kids, and i'm forced to spend time trying to keep the house moving along because hell or high water my apartment is rented and i have to be out before august.

i quit my job to spend time, SPECIFICALLY THE SUMMER, with my kids. we have river front park passes. we have silverwood passes. we have city pool passes. and we've only been able to go anywhere once so far. i'm SO ANGRY that i'm letting them down. i'm SO ANGRY that they're spending their summer watching me in tears, frustrated, busting my ass, trying to move into a house that wasn't the plan. the house was an after thought. it was something i thought would be a healthy good move for us. in the end i know it will be. when we're all moved in and settled and there forever it will be great for us. it's the getting there that's tearing me apart.

i have to go back to work soon. this is my ONLY time to spend with the spawns and it's being wasted. and it's making me begin to resent my beautiful almost wonderland. and i DO NOT want that to happen.

so. i guess that's the update for now. i'm hanging in there. like i said, things are happening, SLOWLY. i'm forcing myself to keep going. i'm learning how to do things. i'm making things happen. good news: if you ever need your deck rhino-lined, your walls painted AND CUT IN, if you need your patio table sealed, cabinet handles installed, if you need gardening or lawn maintenance, if you need things assembled, demolished, moved, or otherwise shenaniganed with, i am now your girl. i can move lumber, packs of concrete, 5 gallon paint cans, tear apart a deck and return items to home depot like a mother effin PRO!

father's day

so. this will be emo. and whiny. but here i go anyway.

i fucking HATE father's day. i know it's silly to waste such a strong emotion on a commercial, hallmark "holiday" but there you have it.

I FUCKING HATE FATHER'S DAY.

i have for years. this year it's even worse.

there's nothing like shitty commercials and sales promotions and crap all over the place to remind me how much i've completely and totally fucked up my life.

every year it rolls around and every year i'm reminded of how both my kids dads aren't around. how i've failed at finding a good solid replacement for them. and YES, i realize that i've been good about not just settling for any guy or parading an endless string of daddy wanna be's through the spawns' lives. i know that i've been smart about not just daddy shopping to fill a hole. but at the same time, i haven't allowed myself to seriously consider anyone long term. and that's not fair to the spawns.

it's a catch 22 really: i present myself as this bitch who doesn't want anyone around who can't stand to let a guy stay long enough to need a toothbrush.  but really i know that my kids need a steady GOOD role model, i need someone for support on shitty days like today, and i honestly really do want to have a life partner.

i think the stickler is that i don't feel like it's ever going to happen so i play bitch and cut things off before they even start. kind of the "you can't fire me, i quit" thing. i do get attached occasionally though. or i at least have the feeling i could get attached. either way, it sucks because the actual attaching never happens.

anyway: father's day. i hate that my kids don't have their dads around. i hate that i'll never have my dad around ever again. i hate that this fucking holiday makes me have all these feeling of failure. a stupid day on the calendar.

i hate how much i miss my dad. i hate how much i think of him every. single. day. it's not getting easier, it's getting harder. every time i paint a wall at wonderland i think of him painting houses. every time i start another project i think of him waiting for me to show him how nice i can make it and that i picked the right house. every time i make a bank transfer, every time i look at my shoulder. it's constant and it hurts so much.

i hate how i haven't really allowed myself time to deal with it yet. there's too much to do. i have kids to take care of, bills to pay, a house to get ready. i don't have time to sit down and really let myself realize what happened.  i don't have time to sit down and cry and fall apart.

i quit my job in february and started this blog to track how i've gone through that time and how i've dealt with things and how i'm moving along. here is it june and there's no posts, no progress, no dealing. and i hate days like today when it all catches up with me at once and FORCES me to look at things and realize how real it is.

i don't have a father to call or take to dinner today. my oldest spawn called his dad and talked for a few minutes and that was it. my little spawn doesn't even have any memories of his father.

thanks fucking hallmark for giving us a full day to focus on that. FUCK YOU.