staying off resentment

i'm angry. i'm more than angry. i'm angry and hurt and exhausted and a whole myriad of other emotions.

wonderland isn't going well. things are still happening but SLOWLY. every day for the last few weeks it's been mostly just my own, unskilled self working away at whatever in can find to get done. i've been installing cabinet handles, gardening, painting, cleaning. YES, it's all things that needed done, but none of it is the BIG stuff that will get us into the home.

i closed on the house may 18th. i was hoping to be moving in and having a big house warming party by now. yet here i am, not one project finished, no finish date on the horizon. last week i hired a contractor to come help and things started moving along, but he's only able to fit me in between his other jobs which means 4 hour patches here and there. YES, he's kicking ass in those 4 hours, but there's still way too many "4 hours" left for my taste.

i'm most frustrated at myself. i let myself depend on other people beyond my own skills and abilities. i knew that if things went wrong i would be up shit creek without a paddle. i have no idea how to finish installing cabinets, put a raining on a deck, re-frame a bathroom floor AND ceiling. but i did it anyway. and here i am, up shit creek, without a paddle.

i'm frustrated that it's taking so long. i'm frustrated that i didn't watch my pennies as carefully as i would have if i had known i would need to pay a contractor and an electrician and a landscaper. i'm frustrated that we're half way into summer, the summer that i was supposed to be spending with my kids, and i'm forced to spend time trying to keep the house moving along because hell or high water my apartment is rented and i have to be out before august.

i quit my job to spend time, SPECIFICALLY THE SUMMER, with my kids. we have river front park passes. we have silverwood passes. we have city pool passes. and we've only been able to go anywhere once so far. i'm SO ANGRY that i'm letting them down. i'm SO ANGRY that they're spending their summer watching me in tears, frustrated, busting my ass, trying to move into a house that wasn't the plan. the house was an after thought. it was something i thought would be a healthy good move for us. in the end i know it will be. when we're all moved in and settled and there forever it will be great for us. it's the getting there that's tearing me apart.

i have to go back to work soon. this is my ONLY time to spend with the spawns and it's being wasted. and it's making me begin to resent my beautiful almost wonderland. and i DO NOT want that to happen.

so. i guess that's the update for now. i'm hanging in there. like i said, things are happening, SLOWLY. i'm forcing myself to keep going. i'm learning how to do things. i'm making things happen. good news: if you ever need your deck rhino-lined, your walls painted AND CUT IN, if you need your patio table sealed, cabinet handles installed, if you need gardening or lawn maintenance, if you need things assembled, demolished, moved, or otherwise shenaniganed with, i am now your girl. i can move lumber, packs of concrete, 5 gallon paint cans, tear apart a deck and return items to home depot like a mother effin PRO!

almost wonderland

so, what better time to write than 11:50 at night when i’m more than a little buzzed (don’t worry, had a designated driver tonight) and a whole lot emotional?

i have this HUGE list of blog topics i keep meaning to write about, obviously have been a HUGE slacker at actually getting to them. i keep promising i will, and, well, you can tell how that’s gone.

but here we are- school is almost out, summer is almost here, things are changing in my world.

things have been good. stressful, but good.

official news: the house is ALL MINE. demo is well under way, kitchen is mostly done, deck material was purchased today, home owners insurance has been purchase, a security system has been installed...am i officially a grown up now? can i bitch about property taxes and the damn kids on my lawn?

here’s a picture of what i have named “almost wonderland”

why that name? because this whole journey is so fucking surreal to me. i feel like alice through the looking glass every time i think about OWNING a house. i guess it hasn’t really sunk in because i’m still paying rent, i haven’t moved anything yet, and i  haven’t had a chance to make it HOME yet. but it’s so fucking surreal. if you had asked me a year ago if i would ever own a house i would have laughed you out of the room. hell, a year ago my gypsy blood was crazy jealous about a friend starting an across country road trip with her husband while i was stuck at the bullshit 9-5 gig. now here i am unemployed, wandering though life, OWNING a house while she’s doing the 9-5 and being the responsible one

i still can’t get over it- i OWN a house. and i’ll actually be moving into it and living there. FOREVER. not just for a year or two, until the landlord turns into an asshole, until the neighbors drive me to move...it’s MINE for as long as i want to stay. no one telling me what i can or can’t do to it...do you get that? FOREVER. no time limits. such a fucking trip to me. hell- i’m the girl that’s moved 11 times in 11 years and here i am looking at no deadline. it’s fucking terrifying. in a good way, but terrifying none the less.

it’s so strange to go into stores and look at things i’ve thought about FOREVER and make them MINE. i’ve always wanted a back yard with a hammock: DONE. i’ve always wanted a fire pit to sit around on summer nights and roast marshmallows with friends: DONE. big deck with a hot tub? DONE. patio table/chairs for playing cards and bullshitting? DONE. french doors in the living room? DONE. stainless appliances in the kitchen? DONE. whatever fucking wall color my pretty little heart can dream up? DONE. this is MY house people. i’m making it everything i’ve always wanted.

growing up we never had people over (besides the occasional *yawn* sunday dinner). we never has space to entertain (or the people interested in coming over for that matter). i was never allowed to decorate my room growing up. as an adult i’ve always been in apartments. this is MINE. this is everything i’ve always thought about- HAPPENING.

and i’m terrified as fuck.

it’s june now.  hell, it’s half way through june. that means august is just around the corner. august and i have issues and i’d be lying if i said that’s not 90% of my stress right now. i’m TERRIFIED to see what this summer brings. i’m terrified to be happy. i’m terrified to have things going well again. last year at this time, just when we were kinda starting to pull it together from the massive shock waves, when things were on the level, when i was enjoying life again, the universe dealt us another huge blow. and i’m TERRIFIED to see what happens this year. i honestly don’t have any family left to lose. sure, there’s still blood relations, but nothing compared to what i’ve lost. i have friends new and old that i’m terrified to lose. i have my spawns- i can’t even let myself thing of that. what will the universe pull on us this year? just when i was starting to be happy last year we were leveled out again. i’m terrified to let myself be happy this year and enjoy the house and enjoy summer with the spawns and ENJOY anything for fear of what may be right on it’s heels. what sucker punch is waiting in the wings?

i can’t help but think about my dad constantly right now. this is the house he bought for me. this is the life he always wanted to give me, but he’s not here to see me have it. and i LOVE that i’m able to do this, but i just can’t help but think how quickly i would trade it all...just...just to have one more dinner at spaghetti factory with him to watch him spill all down the front of his shirt. or one more thanksgiving where he sleeps through the football game but wakes up growling if you dare to change it. one more anything.

i was supposed to go to colville this last weekend for my grandmother’s memorial. i just couldn’t go. a gathering of what family is left and i hated the thought of being around any of them. what does that say when i’ve lost so much and i still loathe what i have left? what kind of person doesn’t want to see aunts and uncles and cousins and their own mother?

maybe i’m just having “one of those days”.  maybe i just need some sleep. whatever is going on, i’m having a hard time shifting to fit. i never thought i’d buy a house yet here i am with deed in hand doing renovation projects. i never thought i’d be afraid of summer, but here i am terrified as each week gets closer to august. i never thought i’d feel like such a damn island, yet here i am with no family i desire to claim, trying to piece together friends in the giant holes that have been ripped open.

i’m terrified, i’m lost, i’m extatic, i’m proud, i’m emotional, i’m impatient, i’m a little bit of everything. 

welcome to almost wonerland.