things i already knew

today is one of those days that caught me off guard.

i hate those kind of days.

things were going along swimmingly- unpacking was going along as well as it could, i was able to get my plants re-potted (hopefully they’ll come back), we had dinner, went grocery shopping, and on the way home i was thinking about the house warming party that was going to be this weekend. before i knew it i was thinking about how excited i was to show my dad how much i had gotten done and how much better this house is than any of the others he worried about us being in. i was so excited to show him how close it is to everything, the big yard, all the painting that he would be so proud of.

then it hit. he won’t be coming to the house warming.

he’s gone.

i can’t show him anything anymore. i can’t show him our house. i can’t show him the painting. he’s really gone.

and i know that. i mean there wouldn’t even be a house if he wasn’t gone. it’s just one of those moments that catches you and you don’t even know it’s coming. you just think like you always do because you haven’t learned to think differently yet. it’s just how things would go- i would move, he would come see it, worry about me, be a protective dad. and that’s gone now.

and i guess it’s just hitting really hard because i need someone right now. i need some help getting things done. i need someone protecting me and- you know- someone to help move the heavy furniture. someone to hang the ceiling fans. someone to make the contractors return calls and finish the work. because i’m not getting it done. and i don’t know how to get it done. and that’s the most frustrating thing. i HATE feeling weak. i hate being stuck depending on others. i hate feeling like the stupid girl.

so. you know. that was my day.

staying off resentment

i'm angry. i'm more than angry. i'm angry and hurt and exhausted and a whole myriad of other emotions.

wonderland isn't going well. things are still happening but SLOWLY. every day for the last few weeks it's been mostly just my own, unskilled self working away at whatever in can find to get done. i've been installing cabinet handles, gardening, painting, cleaning. YES, it's all things that needed done, but none of it is the BIG stuff that will get us into the home.

i closed on the house may 18th. i was hoping to be moving in and having a big house warming party by now. yet here i am, not one project finished, no finish date on the horizon. last week i hired a contractor to come help and things started moving along, but he's only able to fit me in between his other jobs which means 4 hour patches here and there. YES, he's kicking ass in those 4 hours, but there's still way too many "4 hours" left for my taste.

i'm most frustrated at myself. i let myself depend on other people beyond my own skills and abilities. i knew that if things went wrong i would be up shit creek without a paddle. i have no idea how to finish installing cabinets, put a raining on a deck, re-frame a bathroom floor AND ceiling. but i did it anyway. and here i am, up shit creek, without a paddle.

i'm frustrated that it's taking so long. i'm frustrated that i didn't watch my pennies as carefully as i would have if i had known i would need to pay a contractor and an electrician and a landscaper. i'm frustrated that we're half way into summer, the summer that i was supposed to be spending with my kids, and i'm forced to spend time trying to keep the house moving along because hell or high water my apartment is rented and i have to be out before august.

i quit my job to spend time, SPECIFICALLY THE SUMMER, with my kids. we have river front park passes. we have silverwood passes. we have city pool passes. and we've only been able to go anywhere once so far. i'm SO ANGRY that i'm letting them down. i'm SO ANGRY that they're spending their summer watching me in tears, frustrated, busting my ass, trying to move into a house that wasn't the plan. the house was an after thought. it was something i thought would be a healthy good move for us. in the end i know it will be. when we're all moved in and settled and there forever it will be great for us. it's the getting there that's tearing me apart.

i have to go back to work soon. this is my ONLY time to spend with the spawns and it's being wasted. and it's making me begin to resent my beautiful almost wonderland. and i DO NOT want that to happen.

so. i guess that's the update for now. i'm hanging in there. like i said, things are happening, SLOWLY. i'm forcing myself to keep going. i'm learning how to do things. i'm making things happen. good news: if you ever need your deck rhino-lined, your walls painted AND CUT IN, if you need your patio table sealed, cabinet handles installed, if you need gardening or lawn maintenance, if you need things assembled, demolished, moved, or otherwise shenaniganed with, i am now your girl. i can move lumber, packs of concrete, 5 gallon paint cans, tear apart a deck and return items to home depot like a mother effin PRO!