one year later

well kids. it’s been a year. a full year now since everything shifted and changed. a year without my dad. a year knowing that i can’t call him, remembering that he won’t be coming to my house warming, knowing that he won’t be there for the kids birthdays. a full circle of holidays and events on our own.

it sucks. still. it will forever. the amount of suck may lessen, but it will still suck.

i drove down to zillah on the 16th. i wanted to see the site. i wanted to talk to people. i wanted to know everyone was still as lost as i am.

guess what: they aren’t. and that’s ok.

it was surreal driving up to the site. it looks like there was never a home there. it doesn’t look like a place where there were christmases or birthdays. it doesn’t look like there were ever bbq’s or football parties or anything. i knew the land had been cleared. i knew it had been bulldozed over. i didn’t know exactly what that would look like. i guess i expected something to still be there. the circle driveway with the railroad ties. the lawn. the trees. SOMETHING. i mean SOMEONE is going to buy the land and build there again eventually, right? so shouldn’t SOME of it have stayed? there was nothing. no driveway. no grass. no mark of where anything ever was. nature had reclaimed the land and there were tumble weeds, grasshoppers and dirt. i saw one small piece of caution tape stuck in a bush to show any evidence of the living nightmare that happened. one small piece of tape, that’s all.

a reporter met me at the sight to ask what i thought of it being a year later and still not having a cause declared by any of the investigating agencies. you want to know what i think? i don’t give a rats ass HOW it happened. i don’t care if it was a dishwasher or a lightbulb or anything else. they cleared the scene of criminal activity and that’s all that mattered to me. no one intentionally caused harm to my family. that’s all i need to know. beyond that, knowing a cause won’t do anything. it won’t make it unhappen. it won’t bring dad and anne and chris back. it won’t make what happened any better or worse. IT HAPPENED. what matters to me now is learning to live with not having a dad. do i want to spend my life mad at a dishwasher? no. do i want to go after some big name brand or something for financial compensation? what would that get me? would i want a dollar amount put on my dad’s life? we’ve already been taken care of. we have our house and our car and our bills paid. would having a neat little label to put on the file fix anything? no way in hell.

i went from the site down to the local bar that my dad used to be a regular at. there was a memorial of sorts set up for everyone to get together again and share the marker. i went in wanting to be with people who still missed him as much as i do. i wanted to talk to people and hear stories and remember. i wanted to pick up where i missed out a year ago when i was told not to go sit with all the people and have a beer and talk about it. it hurt to miss that and i wanted to not have that happen again.

it did happen again. i did miss out again. and it HURT. it was a regular tuesday night. several people showed up but they all talked about life as it is NOW. they talked about their work week, their summers, their jobs. it was trivia night at the bar and there was music and people talking and living life like it wasn’t a year ago that the world stopped. i left the bar that night SO HURT. i was so frustrated that no one was as sad as i was. i was so mad that no one wanted to sit around and tell stories. i was mad that they were living their lives like time has moved on. i was mad and crying for half of the car drive home before it really hit me: life has moved on. it’s been a year since i’ve been there. it’s been a year since i talked to anyone. it’s been a year since i visited the site. it hasn’t been a year for them. they haven’t been on pause waiting for an anniversary. they’ve all lived it EVERY DAY. they’ve seen each other every day and had their opportunities to tell stories and remember and grieve. theyve gone back to work and lived near the site and had new coworkers come in and start to fill the gap that was left behind. i can’t expect the rest of the world to go on pause and wait for me to finally get around to dealing with things. i can’t expect everyone else to wait for me to say it’s ok for them to heal. it’s unrealistic and honestly just plain stupid.

that was a very powerful moment for me. it was powerful to suddenly realize people do heal and move on but STILL REMEMBER. they were all there. they all came to mark the moment. they haven’t forgotten but they have moved on and life can continue without being paralyzed or frozen in time. i’m learning that. slowly, but i’m learning that.

one of the most powerful moments of the whole day was also one of the most random moments of the day. as i was leaving the property i stopped to check their mail. morbid curiosity i guess. no reason. it’s been a year. i didn’t expect there to be any mail or anything. i was honestly shocked that the mailbox was still there with their names on it. so i opened it. just to see.

people remember. people miss them.

things i already knew

today is one of those days that caught me off guard.

i hate those kind of days.

things were going along swimmingly- unpacking was going along as well as it could, i was able to get my plants re-potted (hopefully they’ll come back), we had dinner, went grocery shopping, and on the way home i was thinking about the house warming party that was going to be this weekend. before i knew it i was thinking about how excited i was to show my dad how much i had gotten done and how much better this house is than any of the others he worried about us being in. i was so excited to show him how close it is to everything, the big yard, all the painting that he would be so proud of.

then it hit. he won’t be coming to the house warming.

he’s gone.

i can’t show him anything anymore. i can’t show him our house. i can’t show him the painting. he’s really gone.

and i know that. i mean there wouldn’t even be a house if he wasn’t gone. it’s just one of those moments that catches you and you don’t even know it’s coming. you just think like you always do because you haven’t learned to think differently yet. it’s just how things would go- i would move, he would come see it, worry about me, be a protective dad. and that’s gone now.

and i guess it’s just hitting really hard because i need someone right now. i need some help getting things done. i need someone protecting me and- you know- someone to help move the heavy furniture. someone to hang the ceiling fans. someone to make the contractors return calls and finish the work. because i’m not getting it done. and i don’t know how to get it done. and that’s the most frustrating thing. i HATE feeling weak. i hate being stuck depending on others. i hate feeling like the stupid girl.

so. you know. that was my day.

staying off resentment

i'm angry. i'm more than angry. i'm angry and hurt and exhausted and a whole myriad of other emotions.

wonderland isn't going well. things are still happening but SLOWLY. every day for the last few weeks it's been mostly just my own, unskilled self working away at whatever in can find to get done. i've been installing cabinet handles, gardening, painting, cleaning. YES, it's all things that needed done, but none of it is the BIG stuff that will get us into the home.

i closed on the house may 18th. i was hoping to be moving in and having a big house warming party by now. yet here i am, not one project finished, no finish date on the horizon. last week i hired a contractor to come help and things started moving along, but he's only able to fit me in between his other jobs which means 4 hour patches here and there. YES, he's kicking ass in those 4 hours, but there's still way too many "4 hours" left for my taste.

i'm most frustrated at myself. i let myself depend on other people beyond my own skills and abilities. i knew that if things went wrong i would be up shit creek without a paddle. i have no idea how to finish installing cabinets, put a raining on a deck, re-frame a bathroom floor AND ceiling. but i did it anyway. and here i am, up shit creek, without a paddle.

i'm frustrated that it's taking so long. i'm frustrated that i didn't watch my pennies as carefully as i would have if i had known i would need to pay a contractor and an electrician and a landscaper. i'm frustrated that we're half way into summer, the summer that i was supposed to be spending with my kids, and i'm forced to spend time trying to keep the house moving along because hell or high water my apartment is rented and i have to be out before august.

i quit my job to spend time, SPECIFICALLY THE SUMMER, with my kids. we have river front park passes. we have silverwood passes. we have city pool passes. and we've only been able to go anywhere once so far. i'm SO ANGRY that i'm letting them down. i'm SO ANGRY that they're spending their summer watching me in tears, frustrated, busting my ass, trying to move into a house that wasn't the plan. the house was an after thought. it was something i thought would be a healthy good move for us. in the end i know it will be. when we're all moved in and settled and there forever it will be great for us. it's the getting there that's tearing me apart.

i have to go back to work soon. this is my ONLY time to spend with the spawns and it's being wasted. and it's making me begin to resent my beautiful almost wonderland. and i DO NOT want that to happen.

so. i guess that's the update for now. i'm hanging in there. like i said, things are happening, SLOWLY. i'm forcing myself to keep going. i'm learning how to do things. i'm making things happen. good news: if you ever need your deck rhino-lined, your walls painted AND CUT IN, if you need your patio table sealed, cabinet handles installed, if you need gardening or lawn maintenance, if you need things assembled, demolished, moved, or otherwise shenaniganed with, i am now your girl. i can move lumber, packs of concrete, 5 gallon paint cans, tear apart a deck and return items to home depot like a mother effin PRO!

father's day

so. this will be emo. and whiny. but here i go anyway.

i fucking HATE father's day. i know it's silly to waste such a strong emotion on a commercial, hallmark "holiday" but there you have it.

I FUCKING HATE FATHER'S DAY.

i have for years. this year it's even worse.

there's nothing like shitty commercials and sales promotions and crap all over the place to remind me how much i've completely and totally fucked up my life.

every year it rolls around and every year i'm reminded of how both my kids dads aren't around. how i've failed at finding a good solid replacement for them. and YES, i realize that i've been good about not just settling for any guy or parading an endless string of daddy wanna be's through the spawns' lives. i know that i've been smart about not just daddy shopping to fill a hole. but at the same time, i haven't allowed myself to seriously consider anyone long term. and that's not fair to the spawns.

it's a catch 22 really: i present myself as this bitch who doesn't want anyone around who can't stand to let a guy stay long enough to need a toothbrush.  but really i know that my kids need a steady GOOD role model, i need someone for support on shitty days like today, and i honestly really do want to have a life partner.

i think the stickler is that i don't feel like it's ever going to happen so i play bitch and cut things off before they even start. kind of the "you can't fire me, i quit" thing. i do get attached occasionally though. or i at least have the feeling i could get attached. either way, it sucks because the actual attaching never happens.

anyway: father's day. i hate that my kids don't have their dads around. i hate that i'll never have my dad around ever again. i hate that this fucking holiday makes me have all these feeling of failure. a stupid day on the calendar.

i hate how much i miss my dad. i hate how much i think of him every. single. day. it's not getting easier, it's getting harder. every time i paint a wall at wonderland i think of him painting houses. every time i start another project i think of him waiting for me to show him how nice i can make it and that i picked the right house. every time i make a bank transfer, every time i look at my shoulder. it's constant and it hurts so much.

i hate how i haven't really allowed myself time to deal with it yet. there's too much to do. i have kids to take care of, bills to pay, a house to get ready. i don't have time to sit down and really let myself realize what happened.  i don't have time to sit down and cry and fall apart.

i quit my job in february and started this blog to track how i've gone through that time and how i've dealt with things and how i'm moving along. here is it june and there's no posts, no progress, no dealing. and i hate days like today when it all catches up with me at once and FORCES me to look at things and realize how real it is.

i don't have a father to call or take to dinner today. my oldest spawn called his dad and talked for a few minutes and that was it. my little spawn doesn't even have any memories of his father.

thanks fucking hallmark for giving us a full day to focus on that. FUCK YOU.

almost wonderland

so, what better time to write than 11:50 at night when i’m more than a little buzzed (don’t worry, had a designated driver tonight) and a whole lot emotional?

i have this HUGE list of blog topics i keep meaning to write about, obviously have been a HUGE slacker at actually getting to them. i keep promising i will, and, well, you can tell how that’s gone.

but here we are- school is almost out, summer is almost here, things are changing in my world.

things have been good. stressful, but good.

official news: the house is ALL MINE. demo is well under way, kitchen is mostly done, deck material was purchased today, home owners insurance has been purchase, a security system has been installed...am i officially a grown up now? can i bitch about property taxes and the damn kids on my lawn?

here’s a picture of what i have named “almost wonderland”

why that name? because this whole journey is so fucking surreal to me. i feel like alice through the looking glass every time i think about OWNING a house. i guess it hasn’t really sunk in because i’m still paying rent, i haven’t moved anything yet, and i  haven’t had a chance to make it HOME yet. but it’s so fucking surreal. if you had asked me a year ago if i would ever own a house i would have laughed you out of the room. hell, a year ago my gypsy blood was crazy jealous about a friend starting an across country road trip with her husband while i was stuck at the bullshit 9-5 gig. now here i am unemployed, wandering though life, OWNING a house while she’s doing the 9-5 and being the responsible one

i still can’t get over it- i OWN a house. and i’ll actually be moving into it and living there. FOREVER. not just for a year or two, until the landlord turns into an asshole, until the neighbors drive me to move...it’s MINE for as long as i want to stay. no one telling me what i can or can’t do to it...do you get that? FOREVER. no time limits. such a fucking trip to me. hell- i’m the girl that’s moved 11 times in 11 years and here i am looking at no deadline. it’s fucking terrifying. in a good way, but terrifying none the less.

it’s so strange to go into stores and look at things i’ve thought about FOREVER and make them MINE. i’ve always wanted a back yard with a hammock: DONE. i’ve always wanted a fire pit to sit around on summer nights and roast marshmallows with friends: DONE. big deck with a hot tub? DONE. patio table/chairs for playing cards and bullshitting? DONE. french doors in the living room? DONE. stainless appliances in the kitchen? DONE. whatever fucking wall color my pretty little heart can dream up? DONE. this is MY house people. i’m making it everything i’ve always wanted.

growing up we never had people over (besides the occasional *yawn* sunday dinner). we never has space to entertain (or the people interested in coming over for that matter). i was never allowed to decorate my room growing up. as an adult i’ve always been in apartments. this is MINE. this is everything i’ve always thought about- HAPPENING.

and i’m terrified as fuck.

it’s june now.  hell, it’s half way through june. that means august is just around the corner. august and i have issues and i’d be lying if i said that’s not 90% of my stress right now. i’m TERRIFIED to see what this summer brings. i’m terrified to be happy. i’m terrified to have things going well again. last year at this time, just when we were kinda starting to pull it together from the massive shock waves, when things were on the level, when i was enjoying life again, the universe dealt us another huge blow. and i’m TERRIFIED to see what happens this year. i honestly don’t have any family left to lose. sure, there’s still blood relations, but nothing compared to what i’ve lost. i have friends new and old that i’m terrified to lose. i have my spawns- i can’t even let myself thing of that. what will the universe pull on us this year? just when i was starting to be happy last year we were leveled out again. i’m terrified to let myself be happy this year and enjoy the house and enjoy summer with the spawns and ENJOY anything for fear of what may be right on it’s heels. what sucker punch is waiting in the wings?

i can’t help but think about my dad constantly right now. this is the house he bought for me. this is the life he always wanted to give me, but he’s not here to see me have it. and i LOVE that i’m able to do this, but i just can’t help but think how quickly i would trade it all...just...just to have one more dinner at spaghetti factory with him to watch him spill all down the front of his shirt. or one more thanksgiving where he sleeps through the football game but wakes up growling if you dare to change it. one more anything.

i was supposed to go to colville this last weekend for my grandmother’s memorial. i just couldn’t go. a gathering of what family is left and i hated the thought of being around any of them. what does that say when i’ve lost so much and i still loathe what i have left? what kind of person doesn’t want to see aunts and uncles and cousins and their own mother?

maybe i’m just having “one of those days”.  maybe i just need some sleep. whatever is going on, i’m having a hard time shifting to fit. i never thought i’d buy a house yet here i am with deed in hand doing renovation projects. i never thought i’d be afraid of summer, but here i am terrified as each week gets closer to august. i never thought i’d feel like such a damn island, yet here i am with no family i desire to claim, trying to piece together friends in the giant holes that have been ripped open.

i’m terrified, i’m lost, i’m extatic, i’m proud, i’m emotional, i’m impatient, i’m a little bit of everything. 

welcome to almost wonerland.