waiting on go...

so. i’ve been going to therapy since…well…forever. i was forced to go as a teenager because i think it was easier to do that than actually, you know, talk about things at home. plus, if they could pin all the problems on me and send me to therapy, then they wouldn’t have something wrong with them…and by them i mean my mother. HEY LOOK: A SPADE. and i called it a spade…so…moving on.

anytwaddle. i went to therapy as a teen, then as a single mom until my therapist kicked me out of therapy and asked me to be a motivational speaker because not only was there nothing “wrong” with me, i had a pretty damn good grip on what was going on in my life and she thought i would be able to help others. so. yeah.

off and on over the years i’ve gone back to therapy to check in, make sure i’m not off in right field when big things have happened, basically just a routine mental check up if you will. i still go to the same gal from when i was a teen, and she’s still telling me the same thing now as then: i have a pretty damn good grip on things and a good ability to work it out for myself and find my own appropriate solutions. i have yet to be told i’m way off base or need to rethink anything, so that’s something. at least i know that my crazy is manageable and i’m doing a moderately good job at said management.

so. i was in therapy yesterday and we made it through almost the whole hour talking about random things- how i’m looking forward to leaving work, how i’m less scared of the change now than when i first decided to jump. we talked about books and what i want my writing to be like. we talked about all sorts of things, then, at the end of the hour she said: i notice you haven’t mentioned your dad at all today.

and i promptly started crying. that moderately good job of managing things? it doesn’t extend to this arena. i’ve been functioning. the tears have been minimal. i’ve been going along at a pretty good pace. but it’s only because i’m NOT doing anything. i’m not letting myself think about it. i haven’t let myself watch the memorial dvd. i haven’t gone through pictures. i haven’t been around other people that remember him to talk about things. i haven’t ANYTHING lately. i’ve been avoiding it. because the instant i face it, i fall apart.

i have a memorial of sorts set up at my house for my dad and my brother. it’s all the pieces of them i have left- pictures, my dad’s badge and service hat, the flag i was presented, a letter from the governor, my brother’s wire sculpture- small pieces of them. it doesn’t bother me having that memorial. it doesn’t bother me to look at their things. it’s easy to think of my dad, the cop being gone. it’s easy to look at their things as just things. it’s not easy to look at pieces of who they were. it’s not easy to think of MY DAD, my kids grandfather, half of where i came from being gone. it’s not easy thinking about my creative brother that i was just getting to know being gone. hell, even typing that is making me tear up, let alone spending any amount of time dwelling on it.

i know that i’ve stopped my healing process. i know that i won’t get anywhere until i make myself think about those things. until i make myself stop and face the reality.

THEY’RE NOT COMING BACK. they’re really gone forever. i can’t call them. i won’t see them at the next family event. my dad won’t be there for my kids birthdays ever again. there won’t be any more dinners at spaghetti factory. there won’t be any more…

AND STOP. i’m still sitting at my desk at work, i can’t go there any further. you get the idea though.

but i recognize this. i know that i’ve stopped my healing. i know that there will be a better time to pick it back up and work through it. hell, that’s what the whole year coming up can be for.

and we talked about that yesterday at my therapy. how, in a way, it’s scary for me to look at the next year and admit that it will be something i have to be careful about. that i will experience this process and i have to be prepared to not get stuck in it. i need to have a plan on how to keep moving forward through the hard times. it will help that i have my kids to keep me busy. i’ll have to get up and take them to school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. i can’t sit on my couch for days at a time staring at the walls. so. that is a good thing. but it’s also a scary thing that i may keep doing what i’m doing now- being busy and not letting myself think and focus and process and heal.

it will be a fine line moving forward. i’m still excited with moving forward. i’m frustrated that i’m still stuck and haven’t been able to start the journey yet, but i know it’s within reach. i’m more confident now taking this leap. i’m moving past the worry and into the curious. i want to see what will happen. i want to know where this year will take me. i want to get out there and really just be free. i know it will have hard times. i know there will be days of tears and hurt and healing. but i’m ready for it. so. you know…just waiting for that green light…i’m getting ready to spray paint the damn light if it doesn’t change soon…

goals:

looking forward at having a FULL YEAR at my disposal, it may be best to set some goals for myself to help prevent getting lost or letting the time slip by without fully serving it's purpose.

so. here are a few of my goals to start:

*accompany each child on a field trip before school is out for summer

*spend one day (or part of a day) a week in each classroom

*finish reading all books currently in my posession

*write one full adult novel

*write two full children's novels

*create and stick to a budget

*learn to make home cooked meals

*find FIVE ways to cut my budget by changing to "green" (not necessarily green, but less commercial/consumer oriented) products or making my own products.

*sell etched glass

*sell wire sculpture

*buy AND USE season tickets to silverwood and river front park

*go camping

so. that's a start. i'm sure i'll be adding more to it. feel free to throw your suggestions into the pot!

due consideration

it's slightly frustrating (ok- that's a lie. it drives me fucking insane) how people are checking with me daily to see if i'm still planning on leaving work to start my life. any given day i hear, no less than 5 times:

"have you changed your mind yet?"

NO. I HAVEN'T CHANGED MY FUCKING MIND. i didn't decide this lightly people. i didn't pull this out of my ass on a particularly pmssy day. i didn't just jump off the edge of this huge fucking cliff without thinking about it for days, considering EVERY FUCKING ANGLE, weighing the good, the bad, the ugly about this time.

YES, i know that the job market is terrible and very qualified people are having a hard time finding work. i also know that a year is a fuck long time in this economy and things will be very different when i look at getting back into things. i also believe with my whole heart that when i'm meant to find the next step or the next place i need to belong, i will find it. does that seem a touch arrogant? perhaps. but it's happened all the way along so far, so i choose to believe it will again.

YES, i know that i will probably get bored. and i'm prepared for that. i have a MOUNTAIN of books i want to have time to read. a head full of ideas for books i want to write. i have kids in school that need my help. i have glass projects, wire projects, baking projects, cooking projects, friends with small businesses that need help, summer vacation to plan, spring break to plan. I HAVE A LIFE TO START.

YES, i realize this means i won't have money coming in for a full year. I'M PREPARED FOR THAT. duh. kinda know that i still have to pay rent and buy food and whatnot. thanks for reminding me anyway. YES, i know that life takes money. YES, i am prepared for that.

i understand how rare it is to not only have a workplace that is excellent to work at but also very reluctant to let me go. i do love the people i work with. the job itself i outgrew a few years ago, but it's still a good job. i get that. i get that it's flattering that they keep asking me to stay. i get that it's a leap to leave a good, secure, insured job. i get it all people. i've thought about it. i've considered it. i've weighed, measured and judged. NOTHING in my life is done without a great deal of consideration. i'm nothing if not a perpetual over thinker.

I'M LEAVING. i'm starting this journey. i'm going. hell or high water, i'm beginning this adventure. so PLEASE, stop being surprised, and stop asking me every day if i've changed my mind. i haven't and i won't and that's all i have to say about that.

what the fuck?

so. you may be wondering what the fuck "the year of the meatball" is.

let me tell you: this is the year i learn how to make a meatball.

what? is that all it is? well...yes and no. see...there's a story...

for those of you who are new, i'll do a quick recap: 2009 and 2010 suck. enough? no? well then:

2009 started off a little rough. a darling friend passed away in april from a heart attack at the age of 37. i had just spoken with him the week before and we had planned on doing lunch as soon as he got back to town (he was in arizona at the time). we never made it to that lunch.

in july my son's step-mother and brand new baby boy passed away during child birth. i can't even begin to say how devastating that was on so many different levels. you can check my other blog if you're curious to know more.

in august my younger brother was in a horrific bike accident and ended up in neurosurgery and a medically induced coma and we came horribly close to losing him. unfortunately, a few months later (october) we did lose him, only to suicide instead of an accident.

i thought 2009 was bad...i had no idea what 2010 had in store. in august this year, just when it felt the world was righting itself and things were looking up, the universe threw in a major sucker punch: my father and step-mother and one other state trooper were all taken much too early from this life in a massive house fire in the early morning hours of august 16th.

god. that never gets easier to type.

SO. in the course of a year i've lost friends, loved ones, and nearly all of my family.

but- what the fuck does all this have to do with meatballs?

i'm quitting my job as of 12/31/2010.

what the fuck does THAT have to do with meatballs?

i'm not going to wait any more. i'm not going to wait to some day spend time with my kids. i'm not going to wait to some day try writing. i'm not going to wait to some day have time to see what i want to be when i grow up. i'm not going to work for retirement. i'm not going to keep putting things off. i'm going to do it NOW. i'm going to take a year off and learn how to be a mom. i'm going to spend time in classrooms before it's embarrassing to have me around. i'm going to spend time with my kids besides rushing to school, hurrying to get dinner ready, hurrying to bed. i'm going to really try writing. i'm going to really try my art work. i'm going to learn how to make real meals that aren't out of a box.

i'm going to learn how to make meatballs.

my dad had a "secret family recipe" for spaghetti and meatballs. i made it maybe twice ever with him. hell or high water this year i'm going to remember that recipe and learn how to make meatballs.

i talked to a friend at work about this. she told me that i was allowed to leave work on two conditions: #1 that we have lunch several times throughout the year, and #2 that i document the journey. so. here i am. documenting. i have no idea what to expect from this year. i have no idea where it will lead or what will come of it. but i'll share the whole journey here. every happy, grim, tempestuous, calm, exciting, dull moment. 

so here begins: the year of the meatball.

**disclaimer**

if you've read my stuff before, you should be used to me. if you're new, there's a few things you need to know...consider yourself warned:

#1 i don't like punctuation. deal with it. well, not so much punctuation as the shift key. everything will be lower case. yes, i know it's not "proper" but it's they way i like to type. also, this way if you see something in caps then you know i mean it...

#2 i've been known to curse a little in my blogs. ok. more than a little. FINE. i've been compared to kevin smith in my ability to drop the f-bomb in every way, shape, and description as needed. it happens. some days i'm pissed off and being polite and beeping myself out just doesn't cut it. if you don't like it, piss off. it's how i write. no, i'm not undereducated. yes, i know there are probably other words that could get the same point across. but i write the way i write. NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO READ THIS. so deal with it or, as i said before, piss off.

#3 everything i write is my own opinion, my own thought, it's me on paper (well, not really on paper now...is it. it's me in text and code and special computer thingys i don't understand). i don't expect you to agree with me all of the time, hell, you don' t have to agree with me any of the time. i don't care. it's my blog. it's my voice. i'm not associated with anyone, i'm not speaking for anyone, it's just me. if i steal a thought or a quote from someone, i'll let you know, other wise it's all me, all the time.

#4 i'm random. i'm odd. i'm long-winded. i have a dark sense of humor. occasionally i'll be chipper. sometimes i'll be sappy. most of the time i'll be snarky. i write what i think and what i feel. sometimes i'll cross the information border. sometimes you'll wish there was an undo button for what you just read. some days you may feel the need to soak your brain (and eyes) in a bucket of bleach when you're done (okay, maybe not THAT bad).

welcome to my blog. you've been warned.